here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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