if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize