You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My ATM looks so different sober.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
