Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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