He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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