It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
