omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Randomize
