Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
