This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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