I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
