I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize