Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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