I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
