I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
