I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
