I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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