We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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