I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize