We're facebook friends in real life
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
