I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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