Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
