It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
