AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
