3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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