Someone shit on the floor
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
