I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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