Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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