I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
