I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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