he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
