he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
