I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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