Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
