I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
