I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
