i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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