I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
