I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
