I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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