I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
