I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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