Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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