I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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