put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize