I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
