I will die if light touches me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Such a big mess for such a small penis
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize