it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
