and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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