Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
