the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
