11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize