I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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