Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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