I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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