I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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