Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
is wine microwaveable?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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