im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
