So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
