he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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