put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
