after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
