I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
