there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It was a blind-side dick pic.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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