I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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