so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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