I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
