i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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