I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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