Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
