So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
